i was surfing around myspace earlier today.  checking out the sites, looking at the pictures, and reading the blogs of people i once knew, of people i still know, of people i only knew of.  and even though she's not on my friend list anymore, i suddenly remembered rachel.

i went to middle school and high school with her.  we graduated and received our diplomas that same night out on the football field in early june 1999.  i have to admit that i don't remember her at all during our 7th and 8th years of education.  and to be honest, i'm not even sure how i met her or how we became to know of each other and be friendly to one another whenever we passed each other in the halls.  i don't even think that we had a single class together during our for years of high school.  still, i knew who rachel was.  and rachel knew who i was.

i can't say that we were friends.  i can't even say that we were acquaintences.  we were somewhere between the two.  we didn't quite know each other well enough to think of the other as a friend.  but we knew each other well enough to say that we were more than just collegues.

i knew that she grew up in a very religious household, where there were many restrictions put into her life.  preventing her from living the normal high school life.  she knew that i was a wannabe.  pretending to be one of the powerful, smart, and ambitious students of the school.  when in reality i was no where near it.

we were in the same community service club.  signing up for menial activities trying to convince ourselves that by waking up before the sun rose to serve water to runners in the great aloha run was helping society in some way.

then we graduated and parted ways.  just as we did with the 400 or so other people who were also on that field that night.  never again knowing what happened to them, where they went, and what they became.

the creation of the website myspace has allowed thousands of people reconnect with lost friends, aquaintances, and loves.  and it was through myspace that i had found rachel again six, maybe seven, years after we disappeared into the mass of white and blue, balloons and leis, people and signs.  the moment i saw her website, i automatically remembered her name.  and i was flooded with small moments of encounters with her. 

a few months back, i received shocking news.  rachel had passed away.  she had taken her own life.  i heard it was an overdose of pills.  i was surprised.  i was shocked.  i didn't know what to think.  she was someone that i knew.  she was someone i had befriended.  she was still so young.  she had so many ambitions in life.  and yet she was gone.  even now, i find it difficult to register.

i don't know why i thought of her so suddenly.  maybe it's because my life is at a crossroads at the moment, and things have become difficult.  maybe it's because at one point in my life i had considered taking the road that she had chosen.  maybe it's simply just from remembering so many people, so many moments, so many dreams and hopes.

i don't know why rachel did what she did.  i don't know what her life was like after that faithful night on the football field.  i didn't even really know what her life was like before that night.  but i do know that she must have had a good reason.  not only just a good reason, but she saw no other option.  she had reached a crossroads.  a fork in the road.  and none of the paths given to her seemed right, none of those roads seemed to make sense.  not a single option given to her gave her peace.  and so i think she chose to create her own road. 

but i can't help but wonder, would she still be here if she had chosen to walk down one of the roads that were laid before her?  would she still be suffering the way she was when she reached that fork?

and that leads me to wonder, how would this world be different if i had al those years ago chosen to take the path that rachel had chosen to take.  would someone be here now writing a blog wondering about me?  would anyone even care about me and miss me?  would i have been more at peace if i had chosen to take that direction instead of the one i am now?  and what direction do i need to take now that i've reached a different set of forks?  and how different will each outcome be?  is there really a "right" and a "wrong" road to follow?  or is it just a matter of "easy" and "difficult" with each of these leading to the same location.  but it's really a matter of strength and perseverance that takes you there?  i have no idea.

i do know that i miss rachel.  she was a beautiful person full of life despite the difficulties that i know she had faced during our high school years.  i pray that she rests in peace.  and i hope through her example and with strength given to me by God, i will chose to "right" road, whether it is given to me or i have to pave it myself....

over a period of 8 days, to the best of my abilities, i had set up the apartment that the sailor and i had gotten together in jacksonville, florida.  in the duration of those eight days, i had assembled a queen size bed, and put the actual matress and box spring into the bed.  i had assembled two nightstands, a tall dresser with five drawers, and a 72" bookcase.  i cleaned a 1,000 square foot apartment.  i unpacked and put away clothes, books, and other items that were stored away in 51 boxes.  i put together the sailor's computer and printer.  i also set up our new dsl so that we would have internet at home. 

on almost a daily basis i went driving in a large car that doesn't belong to me in a city that i don't know, armed with only a map and the compass installed into the sailor's car.

not once during those eight days did i go to the beach.

two days ago i left sunny florida at 5:30am to head west.  approximately seven hours later i found myself at seattle-tacoma international airport waiting over an hour for my luggage at baggage claim.  my brother's live-in girlfriend was kind enough to pick me up and had even taken the day off from work to help me get settled into their apartment.  with the little cash that i had, i had purchased a desk, bookcase, and various other items that i would need in my room in their apartment.

even though i know quite a number of people here in seattle, i haven't heard from any of them, despite the voice messages i had left on their phones.  since i am not armed with a map here, i am hesitant to go out and get to know my surroundings better.  in the past two days i have gone out for walks in the neighborhood but that's pretty much the extent of things.

i haven't even visited my new campus yet.  i'm dying to go out there and see where i'll be recieving this step of my education. 

i'm scared to try the public transportation system. 

i feel alone.

i feel like a guest in my new home.

i miss the sailor.

i have no money.

i can't afford a bed.

i will be able to afford my education if i give up food.

i don't have a job. 

it's impossible for me to get a decent job because of the commuting that i have chosen to do.

i feel lost.

i don't know what i'm doing anymore.

but, i don't miss japan.  nor do i miss many people or things from japan.

in two days, i will be with my parents for two weeks in their tiny, messy apartment.  on an island where i no longer know people.  where i no longer have friends.  where memories that i don't want to revisit exist.

many thoughts are running through my head.  but, then again, i don't seem to have a single thought in my head at all.

my depature from the land of the rising sun was a crazy insane disaster, but the fact that i made it to the airport in one piece (and three hours before my departure time) is a miracle.  my attempt to upgrade my economy class seat to a business was turned down (and not in a professional manner, may i add).  then to make matters worse my request for window or aisle seat was ignored (yes, ignored, as in the check-in people didn't even acknowledge that i asked for it) and i was put in right smack in the middle of a row of five seats.  i spent the eleven hour flight glued to my seat - meaning i didn't get up to stretch my legs or even to use the restroom.  not once.

i arrived in chicago with a two hour layover to jacksonville.  my two hour layover turned into one hour delayed before myself and my fellow passengers boarded the plane.  then it was another two hour wait on the runway.  i ended up sitting next to a woman who bought me drinks.  it was great. 

then two hours later, i was safely back in the arms of my sailor at one o'clock in the morning.

this past week in jacksonville, florida has been a whirlwind adventure.  in a matter of 24 hours, the sailor and i signed lease papers on an apartment, we got a joint checking and savings account, and we bought furniture for our apartment.  in a matter of a week we bought a bedroom set, a dinning room set, appliances for the kitchen (minus the blender), bedding (for our new bed), and membership at the local video store.

and now.  i'm alone.  the sailor left me yesterday afternoon for norfolk, va.  this afternoon, he flew off for bahrain in a military aircraft.  he'll be returning to me in october/november. 

i'm staying here in sunny florida for another week.  our apartment is not ready for us (for me) to move into yet, and won't be until early next week.  so until then, i'm in a hotel near the base with the sailor's giant SUV.  i spent today driving around getting lost.  it was fun.

oh, and i dropped my soda today as soon as i walked out of subway.  was not excited about that.

at the moment, i still feel like i stupid girl, but i feel less stupid.  i feel as if i'm standing on a plank of wood that's floating in the ocean.  stable, yet very unstable.  the slightest movement.  the wrong movement can send me drowning into the waves.  but for now, i'm standing without so many worries. 

i'm willing to stand here on this plank of wood until i finish graduate school.  if i haven't hit land by then, then...  i'm moving to another ocean.  another continent.  another plank of wood.

i pray to God that i never have to move.  i pray to God that i hit land.  hard sturdy stable land.

it is currently monday morning.  in approximately 48 hours, i will be leaving soryo and will begin my adventure back to the US.

due to recent events i am leaving japan earlier than i had planned by about two weeks.  even now i'm not sure that i've made the right choice in deciding to change my schedule around and leaving early.  to be hoenst, i feel like a stupid girl at the moment because i had changed my entire life in a matter of a few hours.  as scared, unsure, and nervous as i am about this decision, i know i won't regret it.  whatever the outcome, i would have learned something.  and i would have had a opportunity to face the situation head on and see for myself what is going on.  but still, that doesn't stop me from feeling like a stupid girl.

when i thought about how i would leave soryo i thought that my departure would be a lot more friendlier than it has been so far.  my supervisor was shocked at my sudden decision to leave early (but then again, so was i).  my principal got angry at me and almost didn't give me permission to leave early (not that that would have stopped me).  the principal also didn't respect my wishes regarding the reason why i have decided to leave early private.  so know everyone at school knows, and i wouldn't be surprised if everyone in my town knew.  i didn't even want to tell the principal my reason, but he made me tell him or else he wouldn't listen to the rest of what i needed to say to him.  my boss at the eikaiwa i run in miyoshi gave me a pedometer as a going away gift.  "this way you'll lose weight," he said.  stupid man.

only about 3 people has offerred to help me with the packing and cleaning.  i thought i could handle it by myself so i turned down the offers.  but when i realized that it wasn't looking so good, i asked people to come in.  and then suddenly they became too busy to help.  only one person came in.  she helped me out a lot.  we spent 4 hours together cleaning and packing.  there's still a lot to do, but i didn't want to take advantage of her nice-ness.

when i thought about leaving soryo, i thought that i would spend about 2 hours with someone who i was close with and could communicate with travelling to either hiroshima station or hiroshima airport with.  my vice principal (not someone who i would consider close to or easily communicatable) was the person who was supposed to take me to the airport on my original departure date.  no one is available to take me on my new departure date.  no one is willing to change their schedules around for me to give me a proper send off.  instead, everyone is telling me to take the bus form shobara.  i didn't want to spend my last moments here on a bus for many hours, only to be followed by many hours on a plane.  i didn't want to spend my last few hours here surrounded by strangers and alone.

i thought i had found the answer.  my friend chika now currently resides in hiroshima.  she offerred to come up and see me the day before i left, then take me down to hiroshima station on her way back home.  i thought i had found my answer.  a friend who i was close to and could easily communicate with.  i would be spending my last few hours here in the company of someone familiar.  and also in the comfort of a car, not a bus.  then just now, 48 hours before i have to leave my home, she emails me saying that she wants to leave early in the morning. 

i wanted to leave this place slowly.  take my time waking up, letting it sink in that it would be my last morning in this house.  then take a leisurely walk around my town, remembering everything about it.  then during my walk i would stop at my schools, and say goodbye to everyone and see my student's faces for the last time.  then i would end it all by turning in my keys and leaving. 

but, by leaving earlly as chika wishes, i would be unable to do any of that.  in fact it would be so early that my supervisor wouldn't even be in the office for me to turn in my keys!  chika's solution to that was to give my keys to someone else who in turn would give them to my supervisor for me. 

not only does leaving early prevent me from leaving this town the way i want to.  but it also give me too much free time.  i would get to osaka waay too early.  i would have tons of time at the airport before i can check in.  and i wouldn't have my cell phone with me to text final goodbyes to people because i will be cancelling it tomorrow.

yes, i do realize that i'm being silly and selfish.  i'm not being considerate of other people.  but.  this is a place where i have called home for the past three years.  this is a place where i have lived with the people and have become familiar and friendly with.  when i chose to recontract for the third year, i had hoped that i wouldn't regret that decision and end up leaving this wonderful country hating it.  well, a large part of me does regret staying a third, and a large part of me despises this place and can't wait to leave.  yet, i do have a very fond place for it in my heart and in my memories.  i have learned a lot here, not just about japan, but also about life and about myself.  and i just wanted to leave it with fond memories, not alone and upset.

but i see no other choice.  i will take a taxi to shobara and from there i will be taking a bus to hiroshima station where i will catch the shinkansen to kansai airport.

even though i feel very uncertain about the future.  even though i feel as though i may have not made the right decision to leave early.  even though i am tired of this place.  even though i will miss soryo.  i'm ready to go.  whether or not it is with a friend or alone.

due to the most recent of recent events, my remaining 20 days in japan has suddenly changed to NINE!

i'm stressed.  i'm confused.  i'm overwhelmed.

as desperately as i wanted out of here fast, this is a bit too much.

i'm just upset that i'm not going to be able to leave this place the way that i wanted to.  instead, i am now leaving in a rush.  i am leaving with things unorganized.  i am leaving without properly saying goodbye to my kids, my friends, and my home for the past three years.